See them gold panners! Aren't they sweet?
This one above was made by a 14 year old!
Last Friday I go to go to the awesome California Museum on O St. in Sacramento as a field trip with my funny little Political Science class filled with 19 year olds. We took a nice tour bus. It was very kind. These photos are from the museum. There are some amazing and soul stirring relics there, I HIGHLY recommend it if anyone wants an idea for a sweet day jaunt to Sacramento. The museum was super hip with really great design elements for the exhibits. I was in love with them. I never take very many photos, but I just HAD TO! It made me THAT MUCH MORE in love with the state that I live in. Such a vast amount of history, luck, and success. I feel so blessed, truly, to have been born here.
But on to the less cheery me. Now I am on spring break. Funny thing is, my beloved Northern California is stuck in winter. Week after week the weather man keeps saying "well...it's gonna be quite a bit colder than average this week." But that's not a big deal, it's just the ongoing way of things this 2011. I mean, we have had some lovely days, but mostly they are 15 minutes away in Placerville, not at my house because we are too high up. Now we are out of firewood and this whole week is supposed to be very chilly and rainy. Sigh.
The most amazing quilt ever.
And today I just don't know very much. I know I am going to start packing my house but I don't know where we are going to move to. Yesterday I got rid of a ton of things, and plan to get rid of much more. Despite how much moving can suck, there is one thing I do really love about it, and about doing it somewhat frequently. GETTING RID OF STUFF. If you move now and again, you are reminded of the things you own, and I think this kind of consciousness is a good thing. I think it can't be good for your health to "own" tons of things that you never look at or use. I'm not sure the reasons for why it would be unhealthy for a person, but I just instinctually feel that it is. I, however, have a habit of moving like once or more a year..... which is probably way excessive. But so it goes.
I am guessing I am just having some kind of a identity crisis phase in the last couple of months. I miss everyone so much, but I don't know who I am missing. I yearn for something so much but I don't know what it is I yearn for. I desperately want to find a house so we are not just packing to move nowhere, but there is nothing available in Nevada City at all at the moment, so we are in complete limbo, a thing I have such a hard time with. The Hanged Man. I'm mad at myself for moving back and forth between Placerville and Nevada City so many times. I'm mad at myself that I'm just a giant mind-changing joke to my friends. Nevertheless my being an idiot, I know that things have happened exactly the way they HAD TO. There was no way around it inside myself. I just had to move to Placerville with Art two and a half years ago, and live in that sweet trailer on his Grandma's property so that I could be close to my family and he could get to know how awesome they are. So that we could have poker night and dance parties with my family and their other halves. We had to move back when Art got his great job at Ike's in Nevada City. And after a few months when I could no longer stand my job in Grass Valley or being away from my family it seemed destined that we move back here again, especially after finding this gem of a wooden storybook home. But now I realize how much I miss him every weekend, how much gas is costing, how much I miss going to lots of music shows and playing them, how families can drift apart and still be close, how lonesome it is up here in the snow and forest, and how much the way of things is just leading us to back to beautiful golden Nevada City, AGAIN. .....At least it seems the signs are pointing there.....
But I know it is nonetheless inevitable, it's happening, it HAS to happen. And I hope once it happens someone chains me to a rock there and I never ever change my mind again. In fact, I can almost promise I won't- sheerly out of pure pride. And lately I have this weird internal struggle where I don't know what kind of person I am, I feel I don't fit in with any kind of group. I feel like a rebel, a loner.....hah! that's a PeeWee Herman quote. But no, I just feel like such a misfit, not a terrible one, but one nonetheless- like in that claymation Rudolph Christmas Special. Some close family and friends tell me I am the "Queen of Complaining" but I really don't think it is so. I just think I have been trying to fit my square peg into a bunch of different circles for way to long now, and I just have to carve out my own little space now or something. And big deal that I complain when things haven't ever fit quite right, or when I have felt out of my element, or when I am uttlerly freezing to the bone, and perhaps I'll just have to learn to live with that forever.....not fitting. I'll just have to grabs bits and pieces of the beauty around me and try to piece together a little patchwork world of misfits and underdogs and sunshine and pine trees and Christmas snow that I DO fit in with. Weirdos, boy-girls, gold panners, other incorrigible drama queens by admittance, perhaps we can find each other. I do like duality. I like that life has both ups and downs. It makes the ups just so much more fun and gorgeous. Sure it isn't exciting to be gloomy for a bit, or to get mad at something that you can't control, or to be a grump once in a while..... but it is just PLAIN REALITY. No matter what, you can't deny it. I don't care who you are. If you claim to be living on a Happy Cloud and that nothing can touch you, eventually you will cave and the monster in you will rear it's ugly face. You can't suppress the duality of life. I have seen it countless times whilst waiting on total new age hippie types in the sushi restaurant I worked at, they act super dreamy and happy for a minute and then you catch a lashingof anger that spews from their eyes (or words) if their food is running late or if you don't have gluten-free soy sauce or you are out of pickled burdock root. That's what I am talking about. How did I even start? I am not sure..... All I know is, it's GOOD to get the sadness out, to express the darkness, to let dissatisfaction reign once in a while. No one can suppress that shit forever, or even for a month. And so here I am... admitting the down time, waiting on a life that I am not sure is even out there for me.... wondering if I can ever fit in with any group of friends..... wondering why I am not more witty, not more easygoing, not more lighthearted, not less of a complainer. Wondering why I am the type that is even asking myself these questions in the first place. Arrrgh.
Some things have happened recently that I thought were destiny, that I thought happened for a reason.... that I thought were going to refresh my belief in magic. But then, it was like that great-god-in-the-sky/ universe/ whatever- was just having a big old giant laugh at my blind faith. Like magical things occurred for no reason. (I was shown my dream house, even better than the one I live in now, mindblowingly perfect and tailored to my best dream) and then it was like God had a big laugh on my behalf. All because we have cats, there was "NO WAY POSSIBLE" that we could move there. And it wasn't like we could have hid it, because supposedly the landlord was "deathly seriously" allergic. And not just that. Other signs and tidbits of destiny that seem all jumbled up and don't make sense. It's like I am in a whirlwind of nonsense, no direction, just reaching out and grabbing random things that blow by in the wind.
At this I guess I don't really care if we don't move into that super cheap -in Nevada City- mansion from 1915... but I do care that i don't know what my future holds. I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me that the whole idea/ path is wrong.
At least I know some things that I do want. I want to live where it is spring time, planting time, in March. I want a garden. I want to live with my cats. I want a giant closet in my room. I want to make music.
It was about 70 degrees in Sacramento on the day of my field trip and there were flowers everywhere in the sunshine. OH the longing in my heart for warmth.
Hope all of YOUR days are going better than mine.
Peace, Love, and sometimes ... the Gloom.
Adie
5 comments:
While I can't tell you that my days are any better than yours, I can offer you empathy. I feel you. I really do. In fact, I feel better knowing that there is someone out there feeling some of the things I am feeling.
I don't know where my future lies, either. I am trying to sow my little seeds and start one step at a time, hoping that the path will become less densely wooded further on. For now I am hesitant to even try to interact with others. My edges are too raw and swollen from being jammed into ill fitting holes. The only consolation I find is in the gorgeous saints of the internet. You ladies are my deliverance.
My Grandmother tod me (often) that one day I would find my tribe, my people. It hasn't happened yet and I'm beyond weary of opening my heart to people who look at it with confusion.
Oh, Goddess, the word floor again. Sorry.
The museum looks beautiful and enticing, I'm glad that you had fun and got a little sun. I'll envision you happy and centered, surrounded by light. That's some sort of prayer :)
Love,
Claire
Thank you so much. I hate to be spoiled priveleged white brat (which I am) but I could so use your kindness right now.
I do believe what you grandmother said. I wrote a comment before this one but it didn't make sense once I posted it so I erased it. Basically, I think if we follow our truest truest hearts we will find our tribe. But we must open our hearts as well, which can be a pain. I have found my tribe, and I love them so, but getting old pulls us in so many directions and I long for the days where we spilled our guts to each other every night. All this babies, school, family, living-life business seems to get in the way. As well as the plain old fact that some people just change, never to be the same again. Luckily, most of the souls I know have hung in there.
I believe you will find them.
Thank you again for your compassionate comment, lately I feel like such a downer that NO ONE would even WANT to leave one.
Love and bright summer stars (someday if I wish hard enough)
Adie
this really resonated with me! im in sucha funk too- just feeling like the biggest weirdo/misfit. its a frightening thing to be even confused about who you are as a person. for a while i think i know everything about myself and then suddenly im jerked by the ankles and upside-down. sometimes the immediate reaction to all of the mucky emotions is just to complain! and then i feel just annoyed with myself.
i do hope you find your way, or find the path along the way there. i dont know you but i've read some of your blog posts and you seem to have a good and genuine spirit that will persevere. so many things can happen in a day that events surely must get better and clearer.
at least knowing there are other odd and confused people out there can give us some comfort!
aww ade that patchwork is so beautiful and such a good metaphor.
i hope it works out. i know it will. i think the dream house is waiting for you guys - and your wonderful cat creature friends - just waiting with open arms.
come hang out tonight. i miss you guys. bring your pliney. or we could go visit em at b.o.p. everything is gonna be fine fine fine. i love you. and funks are okay. 2011 is a weird one so far. i think it has great potential. i have this little feeling about the summer this year, that i hope comes true.
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