Inspiration Kicks In

Guess it's easier to blog when you don't have a job!

Last night I went to an amazing wedding for my dear friends, Jeff and Anne. I love them so, and I loved every speck of their wedding. They both are awesome people and fantastic musicians.

I wore my sister's turquoise dress to the wedding and it was just one of those days that I actually felt SEMI put-together! It is a RARE RARE occasion that I feel such. But I got a little of my style inspiration from watching the beautiful Mary Louise Parker in Weeds lately. Her hairstyles kill me, they are so adorable. So I tried one of them out and I am gonna sport it way more oft. It's just two pigtails but then you kind of ball them up and pin them so that your hair isn't hanging down, it's like two little fluff pumpkins...... I felt really comfortable in my sister's garb as well, and I have never gotten so many compliments on a freakin' dress. So thanks Bun...I needed a little pick-me-up! (I took a bunch of pics but none of myself so I will post the dress in a pic with dear Heather wearing it to her brother in-law's weddin last year)



Anyhow. So I've been feeling full of happiness. Full of inspiration. Excited about nothing really, just life in general and all of it's possibilities. I think perhaps some of this comes from quitting waitressing for awhile, even though I love the work that it is. There are just too many unreasonable restaurant-owners in the world! And one day, when I have my own cafe, I am NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THEM. But for now, I think the universe/God has been trying to tell me something. Maybe it has to do with what I can accomplish if I change direction and go to school, or funnel more vision into music, or just take a break and try something new because the economy is NOT going to be horrible forever and there will always be waitressing out there waiting for me if I want it. But for now, thanks to my hardworking husband!, I seek inspiration. And for now, I have found it. This video below is a little taste of the loveliness that I witnessed at Jeff and Anne's wedding!



Inspiration! I have found it in the full moon tonight, with streaky stringy clouds of light wisped around it like a spider-web shroud. I have found it in this morning's haze of a hangover, when the sun shone brightly through my sunroof and heated up the dizziness but it only felt awakening and good. I found it big, thirsty, icy gulps of water afterwards. I found it in listening to dance music from the 80's on my way to the wedding last night, I found it in the keg of Racer 5 we all shared there. I found it written on all the beautiful people's faces, in their gleaming indie dresses and shiny shoes and stripy ascots and ties and in their glorious young smiles, in the meeting of new friends and the greeting of old ones. I found it writing a new song on the piano, trying to mimic arpeggios of the 1960s. I found it in the river, I found it in the golden valleys and glowing hillsides of this old Gold Rush land as I passed through the canyon from one Old Gold Town towards another. I found it in the somewhat frantic meow of my girl-cat today as she beckoned me to come get my gift from her, a very alive and pretty cute lizard. And most of all, I have found it in the warmth and kindness and greenery of this California summertime. Inspiration, I have noticed with my new fresh summer eyes, is everywhere. And then tonight I thought of this quote on a wall-hanging that my parents used to have, and I wanted to know who it was by. So I googled it -the first sentence that is- which is all that the wall-hanging said..."Youth is not a time of life- it is a state of mind." Needless to say, I was quite smitten with what the rest of it said, having never read it before.

“Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind. It is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigour of the emotions; it is the freshness of deep springs of life.

Youth means temperamental predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. “This often exists in a man of 60 more than in a boy of 20. Nobody grows older merely by a number of years. We grow older by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bow the heart and turn the spirit back to dust.

Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing childlike appetite of what’s next, and the joy of the game of living.

In the centre of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, courage and power from man and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at 20; but as long as the aerials are up, to catch waves of optimism, there is hope that you may die young at 80."

Pink streaks and digi-geeks

Hi to any friends slash fam that read my rants and ravings on this here bloggity. You may be few and far between but alas! that matters not to me, ye ol' writer. I write as though I'm writing a letter to an old love that lives across the ocean.

As I wrote in my last novel-long entry, I quit the day job. And though having nothing to do but drink beer, water flowers and watch 6 seasons of Weeds during my lazy summer dayz is easy as Sunday morning, it's not what I'm really cut out for. I'm a Virgo. I like organization, cleanliness, lists, and productiveness. If only I could find a decent job with a nice boss and a SEMI flexible work week.....NOT an office job of course, since my artiste soul always dies a slow death during those spells of employment, but a nice cafe job, with a mom and pop type feel, and good tips, and good work ethic, but a kindhearted place that lets a girl switch her sched around when a wonderful opportunity in life presents itself (i.e. Yosemite, Glacier National Park, my brother's awesome play in Los Angeles, weddings of dear friends). I just don't get the mindset when you have a gaggle of hardworking employees that are perfectly willing to trade shifts and such but the boss JUST DOESN'T LIKE IT for no good reason other than they are jealous that their employees actually care less about making money than they do and therefore have awesome life experiences where they see bountiful lands and meet amazing people instead of bringing home brand new thousand dollar couches. It's SO ANNOYING! Even though working at Kaido for 2 and 1/2 years was KINDOF like enrolling in a Japanese military, at least Kazu was extremely cool about realizing that his workers HAVE A LIFE!!!

Nuff said about that. Anyhow, due to my employment dilemma, to many disheartening interviews/ resume hand-ins with not so much as a CALL BACK, and to a deepening desire to be productive in my life, I have decided to re-enlist in SCHOOL!!!! Yikesers! College! Scheduled classes! Grades, hand-outs, homework, mid-terms!!! It's not something I would have expected so soon, but I did think I had it coming, because you see I have an awfully happy interest in all things web design and website-creating and I knew that at some point I HAD TO LEARN MORE. So I am taking 4 classes. 3 of them are web-publishing based. Intro classes to Adobe InDesign, Dreamweaver, and basic HTML. The other one is more for fun and debate and it is a class called Race, Ethnicity, and Inequality in the United States...a prime time to be taking such a forum. And though all these classes seem like candy to a baby right NOW, I know myself, and I know myself too well. I have a HORRENDOUS track record when it comes to schooling. Not grade school or high school, but almost ALL of my community college experience. Most of my past grades are Ws (for withdrawals) but there are also some Ds and Fs involved! As well as As, Bs, and Cs! Help! I never was a terrible student (I like to think I'm smart as a whip) it's just that semester after semester (mostly pre-2000) I would enroll in a class, attend for PRACTICALLY the entire semester, be getting an A, and then drop out in the last 2 weeks. Teachers HATE that. If they are nice they will give you an I. But if they aren't stoked on your sudden flakiness, they tend to dish out Fs. But for me, it really just has to be something about the 3 1/2 month stretch of routine classes being exactly 2 weeks too long. But hey.....that was the old me. Last time I took classes was 2005. I finished ONE of my THREE classes. The class I finished (and Aced) was Tapdancing. Yikes....how sad is that? But, it was a different time in my life. I was still a kid. Unmarried. For years I only kept a job for 8 months at a time. I lived in 22 different houses between ages 20-30, no joking. Talk about non-committal! Since then, so much has changed. I have a husband. I have PETS! I water my plants until the rains come. I don't ditch out on a town every 6 months. This time, I am COMMITTED. If I have any inklings that I am not gonna finish a class, I will drop the damn thing in time to not have it go down in forever-history with my already-horrible transcripts! There!

So, school, here I come. And because I have no corporations or Japanese traditions to kiss the ass of anymore, I put STREAKS in the hair! Blue and pink. I kept singin' the My Little Pony theme song the whole next day after I did it. It looks a little bit ridiculous, but I don't give. I am OVER people telling me to cover up my tattoos or to wear my hair simple and plain. I love my tattoos and I AM NOT SIMPLE OR PLAIN and I NEVER WILL BE!!! Hah!!! I can't wait til my friends my age own all the businesses!



True Love
Music & writing songs
Art (& Art my husband)
Family
Friendship
Trustworthiness
Responsibility
Beer
Traveling

With All Her Glory, presenting........Summertime! (and the meaning of true beauty)

My oh my oh my. How a handful of summer days can change everything. (AKA, this is gonna be a novel-long blog/ diary entry, yikes)

For some time now, it has been warm, hot, gloriously sunshiny and summery around these parts. I believe June 21st was the last time I felt cold. The 7-month winter really did a number on my psyche, and I apologize greatly to those who listened to my angry complaining and sometimes emotional breaking-down around the first half of June (namely my husband and my sister...but also a few other sisters). On that last day of cold, June 21st, I started ye crazy ol' Aunt Flo and even though Pollock Pines got to be around 66 degrees that day, I WAS FREEZING. Just for a tidbit of period trivia, I read that on the first day of your flow, a poor girl's basal body temperature drops significantly, causing the temperatures outside to feel quite different to the lucky lady-in-red than to any nearby person that is NOT sporting the rag. (Could be a good thing if it's 100 degrees outside!)

Anyhow, enough piddly explanation of my misbehavior. Since that day, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED!!! That first summer night, longest night of the year, I had a great realization as I stayed in my house alone whilst all my dear friends were celebrating together. I was cold and in a bad mood and didn't want to put that yucky energy on my friends. I had been feeling rather gross for a couple of months, especially hard on myself, on the way I look, on the process of aging, and that day had been a sobfest on and off all day. An emotional rollercoaster about to absolutely WRECK! But instead of wrecking.....some kind of smooth sailing began. Something inside of me found peace. I stepped out onto my lovely 3-sided forest deck and leaned over in awe at the sunset and majesty of the wild pine trees. I became in touch with a feeling of being "present" that I hadn't had in WAY TOO LONG. I stopped wishing and wanting and needing and I just stopped and noticed all the wild nature and life around me, and remembered how much I have done in my short 34 years. The knowledge of my hibernating self came pouring through. I actually felt pretty for the first time in months, just standing there alone. I remembered who I really am and who I have been for years, but who, for some reason, I had been losing track of for a little while. I remembered that I am a girl that doesn't think that looks are the most important thing in life (AT ALL!!!), that it is a beauty inside that is quite more powerful and shining and real and wonderful than any pretty dress or perfect weight or sweetly golden complexion. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen, but wisdom in personality and creativity and kindness and truth-seeking in a soul is a rare thing. I remembered that experience and knowledge in life becomes the realest beauty. And that just noticing the beauty in the world around is a GIFT of beauty. And kindness, peace, caring, creativity, and nurturing ARE beauty too. And that in order to stand up to the materialism that exudes from every billboard and magazine and so many conversations around me, I MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER THE TRUTH about such things, as well as do my best to demonstrate. Which also collides with the truth about love. It was quite a night sweet epiphany for me, and it was the night that summer really did begin. I have never felt cold since. But I have felt: inspired, excited, warm to the boned, sweaty, carefree, whimsical, and powerful.



And since then I have: taken a day trip up Silverfork Road with my husb,


laid on the hot sands at the American River drinking beer with my Heather sister, visited my awesome 98 year-old grandma in Sacramento and ate at McDonald's of all places with her and my dad!,

hosted a stay at my house with my lovely sis-in-law and her three amazing kids, played a Coal Beautiere show in Grass Valley that I was super scared of but it turned out going swimmingly well, watched my cat Grabby bring a few lizards into my home and place them on the living room floor (where I promptly had to catch them under a clear pie pan with a record slid underneath)



purchased an annual pass at the local lake and swum many times in its blue turquoise waters,

celebrated a friend's, Rebecca Pangbroehrn's, birthday at her sweet Sacramento garden home,


dined with her and our husbies at one of the best restaurants in Sacramento, which she manages and her brother owns...called Magpie ( they are like 95% organic and the food is BRILLS), received a colourful and descriptive letter from a dear friend (Ryann Savino) who is currently working in Maho Bay, in the Carribbean, on the isle of St. John,

stayed a sweet dusty summer night on Lake Spaulding at the annual Nevada City Boat Party (and it was my favorite year there yet to date),
got an awesome sunburn, and to top off all the fun....................QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That last one may not seem like the best thing, but it really was the best thing for my soul.

(And I also have some greats of the Boat Party coming off my Vivitar Ultra Wide and Slim...with all its 35mm impromptu and vignettes. I can't wait!)

So now I have so many more adventures to look forward to. I have a friend's wedding and all-girl gathering coming up in the next week, overnight hikes to go on, a desert/ LA road trip to plan, Wednesday Hot Summer Nights in Nevada City- where vendors all display their crafts and food and you drink in the street and say hi to all the friends, another road trip to Santa Rosa and Russian River Brewery, a Coal Beautiere show with an amazing Portland band called John Heart Jackie at the Cozmic Cafe (which Jacob and Alisa Mingle now owns THANK GOD!), and the Nevada City Film Festival to volunteer for the weekend of August 19-22. And because I have been thinking about all things work-related so deeply.... I think I am going back to school for this semester and taking some real, downhome, web publishing classes! I might try a minimum wage job or something just a couple days a week, but I honestly just want to have a pretty open schedule, learn a bit more about html and web designing programs, and get a little something extra next tax year when Art and I look super duper poor on paper.

Besides all the summery shiny happiness portrayed here, I really want this blog to be about remembering the truth. I want to be able to look back here and remember that I shouldn't get sucked into the system, no matter the endless winters or downheartedness in general. The typical American system, the worldly system even, is to be sucked into superficiality, materialism and consumerism. Those things cause us to judge ourselves so very harshly as women, to compare ourselves to each other constantly, to be jealous of each other, to futilely attempt to buy our happiness, but worst of all- to forget and abandon the wonderful beauty and creativity that lives so strongly within every one of us. Our women hearts are strong, are dramatic, are sweet, are beautiful, are imaginative. Our struggles are beautiful too, they are part of our experience and they become our strength when we overcome them. One time I visited a girl in Portland who had no mirrors in her house. It was about seven years ago, and I remember thinking it was a little overboard or something. But lately, I have often wished there were no mirrors in my house because they only make me feel worse than I actually feel. I know it's so selfish to go there. It's not like I am disfigured or unhealthy or disabled. I know it's so selfish. But nevertheless, this world IS SO VERY prejudiced in it's accepting of only certain kinds of beauty, and that causes us girls constant self-criticism. I hate it. It's not fair how brutally the world treats unconventional beauty, and how sugar-ly and stupidly sweet it is to girls with the regular old pretty looks. Bleah! How boring! I want to live in my mind as though there are no mirrors around me for me to look into and see only faults. I want to be stronger than the mirror. I want to especially set a good example for girlies and women of the future, because being obsessed with other interests and activites in life besides looks, clothes and money is the actual road to success. It doesn't have to be college, it can be anything that makes your heart happy. But judging oneself harshly is the surest way to falter on the path.

It's one of my only goals in life, to live strongly and feel beautiful inside no matter my imperfections on the outside, to overcome the materialism and to be the best example possible to all people around me (provided they are around me on a good day! jeez!) I know it's quite a quest, but I know I will go all the way, and I know it will be worth it.