First off. I'm 34. Not so bad you might think. Wrongo. 30 was only the beginning. I could still look past all the things I'm about to go into. 31 was fine too. 33 was verging on the edge, but one could still cling on to an OLD DREAM. But 34.....34, 34. There ain't no getting around what faces you..............................weepy, regrettable, unforgettable, calamitous, grasping-at-straws LOSS. You start to see you are losing it all. It's JUST the time that one's body begins to show off all the realities of living, unless that is, you work out at the gym 6 times a week....and even then, YA CAN'T look 21 ever again. And Looks, my friend, is only the tip of the iceberg.
Cause losing one's "youthful prettiness" in itself isn't so bad. Honestly, for the right reasons, I don't really give a rat's tail. Getting a few wrinkles/ sun spots and a saggy butt and boobs isn't the death of me (USUALLY), however, it causes a chain reaction down the line. So first, I'll go into the general downside of being an aging WOMAN (in my case, GIRL-woman)
A. Finding jobs begins to get more and more difficult. You just AREN'T AS HOT as that 24 year old that went in for the same job (especially when you are an uneducated third class citizen/ worker like myself). Ba-Bye Money.
B. Walking around at the river in a bathing suit. IT'S JUST FLIPPING HARD TO DO NOW. It' didn't USED to be hard to do so much (for me, always a little bit)...but now IT'S JUST FUCKING HARD. What about all that WHITE cellu-plight? 8 year old boys are going to run from me with low voices and snortling giggles.
b-2. These first two stem from losing one's looks. See, the problem isn't the changing way I look. If I lived in a world alone, I wouldn't care. The problem does comes from me COMPARING myself to the pretty "norm" but mostly I FEEL that it comes from the "pretty norm" laughing in my face everywhere I go. From posters hanging in malls, to magazine racks, to teenagers in public places, to rock n' roll shows, to family conversations to conversations with my very own BESTIES, being "pretty and youthful looking enough" is haughtily having the time of it's life making ME feel like shit.
3. You don't know what you are supposed to expect from life anymore. What is success? What's failure? You're too smart to think that money and fame are everything. But you're still too dumb to see things from a purely spiritual perspective. You still go back and forth between the two. Occasionally, ridiculously superficial stuff (like someone you know that knows David Letterman or something) still impresses you, most of the other times.........not at all. IN a way, it's kind of depressing. That stuff used to add EXCITEMENT to life. But now.....you just wonder what kinds of seeds to plant. But alas, you're still no Buddha on the mountain-top.......
4. You're SUPPOSED to have achieved success by this point. (Meaning: Parents and grandparents are supposed to be uber-proud of you).........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................FUCK.
5. You're SUPPOSED TO be having, thinking about, or already have had babies by this point...........................................................................................................................................................................................................FUCK.
6. You get jaded. There ain't no way around it. No matter how bouncy, cheerful, kind, optimistic you were in the good old days....the crusty depressing realistic weight of cynicism sets in. And you hate it. You're even jaded about your jadedness. Underneath it all, you knew it would happen.
Bullcrap.
7. Life in general just loses it's lustre. Swimming in lakes isn't as exhilarating. A brilliant movie just isn't as brilliant as it once was. Even your Iphone seems like an old piece of junk in your purse. Your clothes are ripped, you're 34 but pathetically you can't afford new ones. Your bathroom smells weird, no matter how much you clean it. Your family gets jaded too, and possibly even sick of you and themselves and all the other siblings, another chain reaction that leaves you more stranded and alone in your struggles than ever before. Phooey.
Right.
You know, give me a break, I'm having an off day. BUT STILL! Doesn't this kind of thing at least ring true SOME OF THE TIME? For everyone? OK, maybe never for Meg Ryan or Jenny Lewis or freaking Jane Fonda, but for the mass of us, yes.
REASONS WHY BEING 34 IN 2010 MAKES IT FAR, FAR WORSE
1. Neverending winter in Northern California. I MEAN IT. I MEAN C'MON GOD! It was 57 degrees high at my house yesterday. Granted, I live a little up in the mountains. BUT THIS IS SHIT FOR MY SOUL.
2. THE FUCKING RECESSION. If aging didn't look good back in 2004 whence trying to become employed, IT HARDLY IS BECOMING NOW. My chances of getting a waitressing job after 2 weeks of scouring restaurants in June 2010? About 2-3%.
3. No one listens anymore. They all screech screech screech constantly to their Twitters. To their Iphones. To their damned BLOGS ( i Know I know). They don't even hear their own children tugging at their skirt. How sad is that. I include myself in this (except without the children part)
4. EVERY SINGLE PERSON between the age of 14 and 39 is in a band. It used to be a novelty, a rarity, something to get listeners out of their houses on a Friday night. (See # 3) Now....there isn't an audience. Just 55 more bands listening to each other. SO much for inspiration.
5. Diaries are non-existent. You remember those precious blank books that girls once wrote novels of their own lives in? Adios. Hello Facebook, Myspace, and every other status updater that makes writing to no one a lost art form.
6. THE FUGGING BP OIL SPILL. It's enough to make you want to go down to Mississippi, roll around in the goop, and suffocate yourself so that you can know what that poor wildlife is going through.
7. Aging movie stars get prettier and prettier whilst us normal folks are looking worse and worse sheerly for the fact of what we are compared to. Botox is making MYSELF look like a weathered old indian chief. (which is actually OK with me)
I've run out of things to bitch and whine about. I sat here on this here computer tonight and forced myself to stay in because I was in SUCH a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, horrendous bad mood that I figured it I went out I would only cause a mass sadness to society...especially my friends. SO. Here it is via my lonely old computer.
Now for bed at 9:45 thanks to the teensy fraction of a waitress job that I DO have. (Waking up at 4:15 tomorrow)
OK. All that sounded purrrrty crappy, right?
Even though a bit of warmth has begun, the river is flowing harder and colder and faster than anyone's seen it flow in 35 plus years. The snow in the Sierras is melting now and there's still 5-7 feet in places. So we go down to the river, but we only dip for a second. Hence, my pics from last year (for inspiration)!
