The Blossoming

Today something broke through.

On my way to my first class today I stopped at Pony Espresso, one of my favorite places to get coffee and a scone. I commented on the sunshine and the owner/dad told me about how it seemed like Seattle weather of late. And then he said... "except up there they have clinics".... and i asked what he meant. He then proceeded to tell me about clinics up in the Northwest that help people from literally losing their minds from not getting enough sun. He said they have counseling and grow lights and other therapies! Has anyone ever heard of this? Anyhow, I have yet to look it up, but let me tell you that (as if you hadn't noticed) I TOTALLY could have used one of those in the past two months! I honestly have felt at times like I was on the brink of going insane. Like one more raindrop or snowflake would send me over the edge. I guess it's nothing new. Weather has always mattered to me greatly and I truly do love a climate with four distinct even-sized seasons. Sacramento is somewhat like that, but their winter is pretty shabby.

Speaking of Sacramento, that's where I am! I headed down to my Photoshop class today which is always an option and today I thought I would take advantage of the nice warm weather that I KNEW would be in Sacramento. It's true. It's been glorious. After class I went to Thunderhorse Vintage and picked up two adorable little dress numbers! The sweetheart there was so kind and friendly. Then I came to the Naked Lounge Coffee House and got one of my favorite things in the whole world. A blended mochachino. They make them without regular milk....just ice, espresso, sweetened condensed milk, and chocolate (I'm not sure if it is powder or liquid), and it seriously ALWAYS turns out like perfection. Nothing like those too-sweet other kinds of blended drinks that taste like they are infused with high fructose corn syrup. These mochachinos are ever so slightly bitter, very espresso-ish, and chocolatey sweet. Oh.... and there was NO WAY I was going to forfeit their offer of REAL whipped cream! Seriously, perfection on a warm day and I just had to pretend that spring has yes, completely and officially and warmly begun. I figure I am just going to manifest here..... It's time to be rid of the cold.



Why am I writing any of this? I am not sure. I guess I just am feeling my spirits lifting and it feels good and I want to write. I have been writing more lately, like I used to, in diaries, in poetry form, just for the easing of my heavy spirit. And now, as I feel the world on my shoulders become lighter too, I still want to. I miss those old diary dog days. Those days of the NECESSITY of carrying my diary with me to anywhere I went. Even to bars, I had to have the availability of my pen and blank paper. If I ever have kids they will really have a lot of junk to read someday. I must have about 30 plus diaries, maybe 40!

I have been working out alot lately, running my butt off, and yesterday I did some intense walking uphill workout on the treadmill. I watched one of my classes (it's a web stream thing) while walking for an hour and 15 minutes. Crazy thing is, it truly was HARDER than running 5 miles. My legs were much more sore afterwards! I decided that before I get prego, if it ever happens, I am really putting my ALL into getting into the best shape I have ever been in. I have had some realizations about that of late, it was always my goal to be really strong and fit one day. Mainly for the challenge, but also adding a few years to my life ain't bad. This is the best I think I have ever done at such at thing. It's been about 6-7 weeks and I have been running 10-15 miles a week and eating healthier than I ever have before. Which DOES NOT mean that I starve myself of things like an occasional mochachino! I'm not on a diet, just trying to eat all those healthy ways "they" always talk about. Complex carbs instead of processed, lots of salad, veggies, fruit, and protein. Rambling, diary, stuff no one really wants to know. Oh well, I guess it's time to make those little blank books my best friend again instead of pumping it all up to the web. Lately I feel a tiny bit weird about having so much public stuff up on the web. It's so strange how anyone can google you now and just find out about most anything they want to know. I am so relieved that I lived the dark/sketchier time of my life in an era when nothing was permanently recorded for all the world to see. It would have been better if I perhaps hadn't had to go through it at all, but we've all got our lessons to learn. How embarrassing for kids now though. Geez, make a couple of mistakes and they can be sure that in fifteen years those trials and error won't be forgotten! Someone will post that crap to the web! I guess it's incentive to stay on the straight and narrow.... no wandering, no drugs, no meanheadedness as best as you can. Our poor kids. They are going to have to be PERFECT their whole lives long!
Ok, so there's my blog about nothing, really. Just a dash of good hopes for the spring to come and a flash of gold for the upcoming summer.....

A Little Patchwork World

See them gold panners! Aren't they sweet?



This one above was made by a 14 year old!



Last Friday I go to go to the awesome California Museum on O St. in Sacramento as a field trip with my funny little Political Science class filled with 19 year olds. We took a nice tour bus. It was very kind. These photos are from the museum. There are some amazing and soul stirring relics there, I HIGHLY recommend it if anyone wants an idea for a sweet day jaunt to Sacramento. The museum was super hip with really great design elements for the exhibits. I was in love with them. I never take very many photos, but I just HAD TO! It made me THAT MUCH MORE in love with the state that I live in. Such a vast amount of history, luck, and success. I feel so blessed, truly, to have been born here.

But on to the less cheery me. Now I am on spring break. Funny thing is, my beloved Northern California is stuck in winter. Week after week the weather man keeps saying "well...it's gonna be quite a bit colder than average this week." But that's not a big deal, it's just the ongoing way of things this 2011. I mean, we have had some lovely days, but mostly they are 15 minutes away in Placerville, not at my house because we are too high up. Now we are out of firewood and this whole week is supposed to be very chilly and rainy. Sigh.


The most amazing quilt ever.

And today I just don't know very much. I know I am going to start packing my house but I don't know where we are going to move to. Yesterday I got rid of a ton of things, and plan to get rid of much more. Despite how much moving can suck, there is one thing I do really love about it, and about doing it somewhat frequently. GETTING RID OF STUFF. If you move now and again, you are reminded of the things you own, and I think this kind of consciousness is a good thing. I think it can't be good for your health to "own" tons of things that you never look at or use. I'm not sure the reasons for why it would be unhealthy for a person, but I just instinctually feel that it is. I, however, have a habit of moving like once or more a year..... which is probably way excessive. But so it goes.

I am guessing I am just having some kind of a identity crisis phase in the last couple of months. I miss everyone so much, but I don't know who I am missing. I yearn for something so much but I don't know what it is I yearn for. I desperately want to find a house so we are not just packing to move nowhere, but there is nothing available in Nevada City at all at the moment, so we are in complete limbo, a thing I have such a hard time with. The Hanged Man. I'm mad at myself for moving back and forth between Placerville and Nevada City so many times. I'm mad at myself that I'm just a giant mind-changing joke to my friends. Nevertheless my being an idiot, I know that things have happened exactly the way they HAD TO. There was no way around it inside myself. I just had to move to Placerville with Art two and a half years ago, and live in that sweet trailer on his Grandma's property so that I could be close to my family and he could get to know how awesome they are. So that we could have poker night and dance parties with my family and their other halves. We had to move back when Art got his great job at Ike's in Nevada City. And after a few months when I could no longer stand my job in Grass Valley or being away from my family it seemed destined that we move back here again, especially after finding this gem of a wooden storybook home. But now I realize how much I miss him every weekend, how much gas is costing, how much I miss going to lots of music shows and playing them, how families can drift apart and still be close, how lonesome it is up here in the snow and forest, and how much the way of things is just leading us to back to beautiful golden Nevada City, AGAIN. .....At least it seems the signs are pointing there.....



But I know it is nonetheless inevitable, it's happening, it HAS to happen. And I hope once it happens someone chains me to a rock there and I never ever change my mind again. In fact, I can almost promise I won't- sheerly out of pure pride. And lately I have this weird internal struggle where I don't know what kind of person I am, I feel I don't fit in with any kind of group. I feel like a rebel, a loner.....hah! that's a PeeWee Herman quote. But no, I just feel like such a misfit, not a terrible one, but one nonetheless- like in that claymation Rudolph Christmas Special. Some close family and friends tell me I am the "Queen of Complaining" but I really don't think it is so. I just think I have been trying to fit my square peg into a bunch of different circles for way to long now, and I just have to carve out my own little space now or something. And big deal that I complain when things haven't ever fit quite right, or when I have felt out of my element, or when I am uttlerly freezing to the bone, and perhaps I'll just have to learn to live with that forever.....not fitting. I'll just have to grabs bits and pieces of the beauty around me and try to piece together a little patchwork world of misfits and underdogs and sunshine and pine trees and Christmas snow that I DO fit in with. Weirdos, boy-girls, gold panners, other incorrigible drama queens by admittance, perhaps we can find each other. I do like duality. I like that life has both ups and downs. It makes the ups just so much more fun and gorgeous. Sure it isn't exciting to be gloomy for a bit, or to get mad at something that you can't control, or to be a grump once in a while..... but it is just PLAIN REALITY. No matter what, you can't deny it. I don't care who you are. If you claim to be living on a Happy Cloud and that nothing can touch you, eventually you will cave and the monster in you will rear it's ugly face. You can't suppress the duality of life. I have seen it countless times whilst waiting on total new age hippie types in the sushi restaurant I worked at, they act super dreamy and happy for a minute and then you catch a lashingof anger that spews from their eyes (or words) if their food is running late or if you don't have gluten-free soy sauce or you are out of pickled burdock root. That's what I am talking about. How did I even start? I am not sure..... All I know is, it's GOOD to get the sadness out, to express the darkness, to let dissatisfaction reign once in a while. No one can suppress that shit forever, or even for a month. And so here I am... admitting the down time, waiting on a life that I am not sure is even out there for me.... wondering if I can ever fit in with any group of friends..... wondering why I am not more witty, not more easygoing, not more lighthearted, not less of a complainer. Wondering why I am the type that is even asking myself these questions in the first place. Arrrgh.

Some things have happened recently that I thought were destiny, that I thought happened for a reason.... that I thought were going to refresh my belief in magic. But then, it was like that great-god-in-the-sky/ universe/ whatever- was just having a big old giant laugh at my blind faith. Like magical things occurred for no reason. (I was shown my dream house, even better than the one I live in now, mindblowingly perfect and tailored to my best dream) and then it was like God had a big laugh on my behalf. All because we have cats, there was "NO WAY POSSIBLE" that we could move there. And it wasn't like we could have hid it, because supposedly the landlord was "deathly seriously" allergic. And not just that. Other signs and tidbits of destiny that seem all jumbled up and don't make sense. It's like I am in a whirlwind of nonsense, no direction, just reaching out and grabbing random things that blow by in the wind.



At this I guess I don't really care if we don't move into that super cheap -in Nevada City- mansion from 1915... but I do care that i don't know what my future holds. I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me that the whole idea/ path is wrong.

At least I know some things that I do want. I want to live where it is spring time, planting time, in March. I want a garden. I want to live with my cats. I want a giant closet in my room. I want to make music.



It was about 70 degrees in Sacramento on the day of my field trip and there were flowers everywhere in the sunshine. OH the longing in my heart for warmth.













Hope all of YOUR days are going better than mine.

Peace, Love, and sometimes ... the Gloom.


Adie