I guess I'll start with:
SNOW.
SNOW.
AND.............MORE SNOW.
The past month has been filled with ye old ups and downs. In the very overly dramatic weatherness of this past month I have: shoveled countless scoops of snow, purchased a used treadmill that I love, met with fellow bloggers and trailed the west in western gowns, danced all night to hours of Erasure songs whilst donning full late 80's regalia, fought unabashedly in a public place (Auto Zone or something) for one of the only times yet with my poor husband when our windshield wipers broke after he "forgot" to turn them off under the weight of poundage of snow, mingled and mixed my way to happiness later that same night at the ever-so-successful Cinema Caldera "Epic Dust" premiere night at the Cozmic Cafe, broken down in that same vehicle a week later on the canyon switchback road of Highway 49, put chains on for the first, second, third, and fourth times in my whole life, called Triple A four or five times to save us while in car/weather anarchy, spent a weekend snowed into my home with one of my oldest and dearest true friends, Ruebi and her adorable elf of a babyson, turned around and witnessed the horror (whilst in the midst yet another automobile-squabble with my husbie) of the entire back windshield crumpling in on itself in bite sized mini glass nuggets (for no apparent reason other than a stray flying pebble that flew from under a passing truck's tire perhaps.....) during a hail, rain, and windstorm in Placerville, driven back roads at 35mph the whole way to Rancho Cordova with a billowing parachute of annoying duct taped plastic tarpage flapping in the wind behind our car on our way to get the new back windshield (emergency-like, super annoying drive that involved several stops to reattach the crappy plastic) and then the topper, yesterday, slipped and slided and lurched my way into the task of putting chains on alone in a whiteout in the dark ONLY TO BE GREETED BY THE NIGHTMARISH DEMON-EYED RED-LIT "STALL" symbol as my car clunked into a full blown breakdown in the middle of an unplowed thoroughfare AGAIN last night. This unfortunate event involved actual tears and complete strangers.
Let's just say I HAVE HAD IT. :)
I put the smile there because really I know everything is just fine. Really I asked the great spirit and whatever you do or don't believe in for signs just a month ago, signs that would show me the way about weather:0 we should stay living here or not. Really I was a total bitch in my mind as I was breaking down last night and wanted to disintegrate out of my own body rather than ASK TOTAL STRANGERS FOR HELP but ne'ertheless, there they appeared, one after the other, kind and sweet and helpful as my temper tantrum over the breakdown of my car imploded on itself. Of course I couldn't be downright mean to them, but I just felt so MEAN inside my bones. Really I know life is always beautiful and to treat others as you would like to be treated and everything is going to be OK. Really I know that compared to the sadness and tragedy that has happened elsewhere in the world of late I have nothing at all to complain of whatsoever. Last night, after the two hours I waited to get rescued by my brave dad and brother and the subsequent trade off of my personage and belongings at the local somewhat-plowed Safeway, I sipped a beer and the emotional dam broke as my tears poured forth, which is seeming to become a recent trend. Two sips of beer, and the dam breaks.... I couldn't even figure out why I was crying except for one RECURRING question. WHY DO I TURN INTO SUCH A NIGHTMARE OF A GIRL WHEN SUBJECTED TO EVEN THE IDEA OF ASKING STRANGERS FOR HELP???? It's one of my most terrible weaknesses. And for the life of me, I still can't tell if it's pride or if it's humility. I know it has something to do with desperately not wanting to put anyone out as well as HATING to have to talk to someone I didn't expect to have to talk to. Especially in a blizzard. In the dark. In the middle of road in a broken car. I just can't understand what about me gets so very upset at the prospect of such a thing. I have no problem talking to strangers in line at the grocery store, or calling Triple A, or meeting new people. I JUST DON'T GET IT.
I think it has something to do with desperately not wanting to OWE anybody anything? Or being independent? Or not wanting to have to use up someone's time who isn't getting paid for it? I am just not exactly sure. No matter what it is, later last night, as I happily and exhaustedly sipped my IPA, the tears would not stop coming. I just kept seeing the kind faces of the strangers who stopped for me and I felt so horrible about my bad attitude and my reluctance to ask anyone for help. I felt in this odd way like those sweet hearts would have maybe even liked me to accept their offers for help, to go sit by their fire and warm my feet (as one kindly neighbor suggested even after I was a wretched wreck in front of his eyes), or to sit in their car and warm up. Like somehow my reception of their unexpected gifts would have helped the universe along, would have broken down barriers and formed some kind of kindness memories that would have made me smile my whole life long. But instead I refused, and my future beer sipping self- warm and toasty in my cabin- felt it was the wrong choice I'd made. To stay selfish and not to share my burdens.... Does that sound totally banana? Like if I'd given more in to the spirit of kindness it would have benefitted not just me but all involved? Somehow I felt like those strangers were just a part of me that had been waiting to happen, that we are all part of each other's sorrows and gifts, that the universe wants to remind us of how many good people are still in the world, that a higher spirit sometimes calls out our name to remember to take things lightly and keep our fears at bay and warns us to not grow old and paranoid and distrustful..... I so appreciated that reminder. Despite my witchy horrific snowed-in self, I so appreciated the small kind words and gestures and I so know they are a sign to my direction in life. They just may not be so much about where to live physically as about where my heart should dwell spiritually. And how in places like Japan after the earthquake this kind of togetherness and natural inclination toward helping out strangers must have shown itself a billion times brighter than my little stupid self-pitying incident last night. That somehow taking part in each other's life randomly can help to heal the tragedy, no matter how small the act. That people everywhere around the world have hearts that are, for the most part, helpful and kind and concerned when they see the true need for caring. I'm not talking about politics and generalizations. I'm talking about individuals, one of us unto the other. I know there are conspiracy theorists and the cynics and the skeptics, but I believe jadedness, even if one has a dose of it for a good reason, well....... that's just the stuff that makes you get old. And I don't want to be NOT childlike.
So I'm glad for my lesson this winter spring. In the snow and the snow and the snow. And I know summer is just around the corner.
Love you guys-
Adie
7 comments:
holy cripes, nico is enough to make you cry alright! that much cuteness and sweetness and purity emanating out of a tiny face. and knowing he will surely become the kind of person that will help others, as his mama and daddy do...i guess that's what is so rad and shatteringly adorable about babies is knowing that everybody once was one, and we all fall apart, and become chaotic crazies sometimes, but most of the time that sweetest smile on earth is underneath it all. honey you wrote about your plight so beautifully, i am glad to have read it today and i wish you were coming to the play with us tonight! love you.
Sweet girl! That is so much to deal with! The snow is insane, all my friends and family in Tahoe are saying it's the craziest winter they've ever had to deal with (many of them have been there for 3 or more decades).
Pollock Pines is probably such a delight in the summertime too. There's nothing I love more than the smell of the High Sierra in summer. Home.
I'm glad to see you being open hearted and self reflective about your aversion to accepting help from strangers in those kind of situations. I often think about the men who were already surrounding my car when I woke up after our accident, and especially the older man who lifted the car up so I could open Mycie's door. I am so grateful for them.
I do hope you move back here, though I hate to see you leave your family and whole beautiful community there...
Oh, wow. That snow is weighing on you, sister. It seems that you are receiving some very real messages from the world. I have a very hard time asking strangers for help- I have a hard time asking for help in general. It creates this feeling of intimacy that makes me uncomfortable. I'm a very private person (okay, not in writing, but in person I am) and feeling connected to someone when I don't know if I can trust them is nerve wracking.
Now is the part when I act like your sister and tell you what to do: Let yourself cry, be gentle with yourself and with Art, too. You're going to get your bearings in all of this and get perspective soon.
The snow will melt and so will a lot of the frustrations of your life. You are a shining star, full of light.
Very, very big hug and a lot of love,
Claire
(oh, the DUCKY was me, that's a blog.user name I have for pics of my kids)
I totally relate to not wanting to ask for or accept help from strangers. It has only been in recent years that I have slowly begun to be open to offers of such kindness. And I have stood near when a stranger offers someone help and is declined--they are actually hurt that they cannot help. It doesn't keep me from feeling as if I owe a kind stranger something, but paying it forward the next time I can help someone makes me feel a little better.
I do hope we get a break from all these storms soon, I think even the trees would like a little time to dry and warm their toes at this point. Take care.
Amber. I can't imagine what it is like in Tahoe! I hear they are EXTREMELY CLOSE (if not already there) to breaking all snowpack records ever! I do love Pollock in the summer, it's truly perfect, even warmer than Placerville in the evenings but never gets past 88-90 degrees during the day. I think a move may be yet in order, but I am mulling it over still, trying to make a wise and well thought out decision. It just makes so much sense since art has his TWO jobs there! And then perhaps I can entice people from here to come to gatherings there more oft!
Claire, thank you. I did let myself cry even when I had no clue what the eff I was really crying about. And yes, Art and I stay gentle with each other for the most part unless we are having a jolly blast being sarcastic about our own dramaticnesses! And this incident was a wakeup call to be more open to the help of strangers next time i am in a bind.
Nicole. Thank you too. Next time I lose my wits in a situation that is out of control I am going to remember that we are all connected and being able to receive is just as important as being able to give. You all are loves, and somehow the snow feels much brighter and kinder today than it has for the past two weeks.
MUCH LOVE and goodness! Here comes the sun...little darlin.....
Hi Adie, I'm new to your blog...and so far enjoying every word. I know the time of this particular post is long gone now....I just wanted to say that I used to be like that - sorta. I used to be embarrassed and politely decline when people offered help even if I needed it. My standoffishness stemmed from shyness though - and not wanting to put anyone out. I was acutely aware of not putting a strain on anyone else's wellbeing. I'm quite different now, for me, I had to learn to trust others a bit more, and myself. Sounds like you had a rough time with your car though huh! Hope the warmer weather you're bound to be having now gives you reason for happiness and cheer!
x
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