2nd post October 2005 diaries/ from Myspace

Monday, October 03, 2005

Dreams Of Flying
Current mood: creative


Last night I dreamt I found eternity and knew there was not really such thing as dying and I could fly. Mountains were crumbling and the earth was caving in and everyone was very scared, but I died in the beginning of the dream so I wasn't scared anymore. Plus, after "dying", I was flying and back on the planet with everyone except I could fly and no one else could. I remember descending out of some light in the sky to help everyone not be upset cause the world was ending! And I kept trying to tell them there was no such thing as death so no one had to be so scared of it, because we had eternity. Death was just some weird moment and if you let go not only could you fly, but you could go through doors and live forever. Plus you could go anywhere, and there were a plenty of new anywheres to go.

Wildness!



I remember pushing a shopping cart in the rain at midnight in London, running, with you in it. ( Ali) And Jacob G. pushing it too. And all of us getting soaked, somewhat drunk, and laughing so hard.

Life is great.


Currently listening :
Noah's Ark
By CocoRosie
Release date: By 13 September, 2005

6:01 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove -


stephen


i feel a lot of people feel that dieing is an end like they think that birth is the beginning. but i feel that we as everything else is made up of energy, with conciouse thought comes conciouse restrictions, but the energy itself has been around since the dawn of creation, there is no beginning no end, just lots of changes. have you read carlos castaneda?

Diary of Blogs from Myspace starting August 05

I am putting these here. Partly as backup to the system. Etc. etc.......


First one!

August 24, 2005
SAN FRANCISCO IT IS!!! :)
Current mood: chipper


Yay! Yay! and Yay! Scratching on Los Angeles, city of lost angels. I am going to move to the most mystical and enchanting city in my life. San Francisco! And you know what?

I thought I would never move there because I didn't want to ruin the mystery and loveliness of that city. Eff that! I am going to make it work, damn it! Burlesque, boudoirs, bathhouse, eucalyptus and all! That's like not falling in love with someone because you are too interested. I guess that is the way of the traditional "troubadour". My muse will be, my muse will be, my golden view of the heart of the world. Edna St. Vincent Millay said- AND I QUOTE

The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,— 205
No higher than the soul is high.
The heart can push the sea and land
Farther away on either hand;
The soul can split the sky in two,
And let the face of God shine through. 210
But East and West will pinch the heart
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat—the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.




Wake up!!! The world is inside of you!


Currently reading :
The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life
By Deepak Md Chopra
Release date: By 28 September, 2004

Ramblin Ma-aaan

Lord I was born one.
It's finally July 2008 and the boat party is over. Not to mention Art's man-project, though he could still be workin' on that unhappy engine....

We really did have a great time at the Boat Party this year, but because of the smoke in all these mountains it wasn't as eventful of a party as usual because basically there were way less people. Usually there are more stories of drunken-ness, more mishaps, more funnies.... This year it was more just peaceful and responsible. That's fine, but y'all know how much I don't like growing up. I kind of felt like we were gainin on our 30's for the first time, and even though I am older than alot of people, I still feel younger and dorkier than them. That didn't matter SOOO much, but I do feel like it was almost more fun the past two years. Probably because I really like challenges and back then I was less friends with everyone and so weird little things made me insecure and talking to people could be a challenge if I didn't know them well etc etc etc. and I secretly love that kind of stuff. But this year I felt so stoked and so badly I just wanted everyone that had come before to come and I wanted to laugh with them all and reach them all and sing with them all, but that didn't happen either. But I did get to fake art-dance to Heart and Roxette and some other PRETttTTy cheesy things, which were my fave parts, but I also had really hoped for some kind of singin circle of tribehood.


That's me with Martha, a good dance partner!
So now, back at the ranch, I am left hurting for more good adventure. I feel some kind of wind at my skirts, trying to get me to move on toward something new, perhaps it's that gypsy one I have a song about.




"That gypsy wind just keeps on blowin'
When it gets me I've no way of knowin'
Whistlin' train to the crashin' ocean
When I dive in- that cold is motion"

Hereya is Cody.

That's Ryan Donnelly, Kristin Darlin, and John Madsen.
And Arty and peeps.
And this is Kate.












I don't want to move from these wooded woods. Art does not either. I love it here in Nevada County so much, but I do feel the need for something new, something different to make my eyes young. Maybe it's just something inside myself that has to happen, I am not sure. And it's not a baby, not yet. Maybe it is, actually, but I am not willing to give THAT a chance yet, til I have some other feelings sorted out inside me. I already bug the shit out of Art all the time about cleaning and not being grouchy and I can feel it TURNING me old. If I lived alone I wouldn't have to bug anyone, but then I wouldn't have a best friend either..... I can't imagine what wrinkles will end up on my face if I am whining about cleaning, smoking, drinking, bad moods, AND A BABY. I am NOT WILLING to get that old yet. No way Jose. I would be a crazy lady. A horrible mother. Wind up in the nutjob house. I have been thinking about a lot of past experiences lately too. All this smoke will makes me think of falling-in-love for the first time circa 1996. It always will I think. Every time it's smoky I have always thought of that August I met Chris Nelson..... scoundrel that he may be. There was a wind blowing then, a hot wind, like I have never felt since or before. I know that we have so much of those possibilites in our own souls, but that wind back then was like a wind from God or something. A magic one. Ever since then I have always kind of loved the smell of smoke, well, of forest-smoke that is. But this smoke keeps coming and coming these days, and I have to say, I am not reminiscing from it one speck anymore. I just want blue sky back.

I keep wondering if Art and I should put everything into storage and move into a trailer or something. Or a yurt or giant circus tent or something, like the miner's did. With our cats. I love our house and garden and what-not, but I do feel it is time Art and I live alone, without roommates, unless someday it be Heather and Darin. They, I would live with forever and ever. I just am dying to burrow into the nature, to not worry about streets and neighborhoods, to travel, to jump into rivers, to NOT drive, to sing all the time and to write. To drink coffee under pine mornings.

If I wasn't married, I know what I would do. I would save a few hundred bucks, quit my job, and probably take a Greyhound somewhere. Back to Louisiana or something....
But I am married, and I am gonna keep my job, and I am going to keep writing songs to free this ramblin' gamblin' man that somehow ended up inside my blood.

Yikes, getting in shape for Havasu

First off, this is a pic of our adorable little boat! We are presently remodeling!
My kids love to eat grass!
At Victoria's going away party (to Greece).
Who the heck are these shady characters?
The infamous Keith and Cody having a laugh (most probably at my expense!)
Art took this pic of me sleeping. The cats sleep by me for hours, in my arms!
Mom and the kids!
Me geeking out drawing Grabby but he got too interested!


Well. I mean business on this thing. I have decided to get in shape for Havasu. I have a little over 2 months and I am going to do my very best. I noticed that my thighs are huger than ever today, literally shaped liked upsidedown triangles coming up from my knee. I need help!
SOOOOOOOOO!
With all my will power I am going to try to start my 3 mile walk run, walking up the hill at first (just the hill itself is a good workout) and then up to Ridge Road back to main street and to Alta. I am going to walk alot to start. I don't want to push myself so that I hate it. One of my very very least favorite things about excercies is having to change my clothes into excercise gear. That alone, changing in and out of clothes, seems to take ages. It already takes me long enough just to figure out a daily outfit! But finding the sports bra etc etc etc.....that shite takes forever! So I think that I am going to go to sleep in what I will run in in the mornings..... So that I can just wake up, throw on the sports bra and shoes and take off. Then I can come back to my room and make the difficult daily dress decision when I am sweaty and ready for a shower! Honestly, I want to run in skirts too. That's another thing I hate- gear. Dumb, ugly, brand name gear. I would rather put on a skort and a cute blouse and tennis shoes and take off running. Why doesn't anyone make super cute hip running clothes, with tunic type shirts with pleats on the chest or pleated short skirts? Ugghhh.
But my health, my age, and my body need this. Not to mention my sanity come August fifth.

Also, I have been having 2-6 alcoholic drinks every night for like a month now. I got to cool it. I think one to two beers is sufficient, making an exception for the boat party at the end of June. For those 3 days, anything goes I suppose. BUT- in between, I need to work on this bad!
Dear God please help me be young forever! And not grow giant thighs when I haven't even popped a kid out! Look at Amy! She is like the poster child for cute young moms that look like they never even held a baby! She looks 17! Of course thinner genes most likely run in her fam, but I don't care, I am gonna shed some of this goop. I just want to be healthy and young-at-heart as possible without getting obsessed with excercise (which may or may not be inevitable).

That's all!
Anyone got any weight loss tips? I want to lose about 12 pounds and be strong strong strong!!!!!

Hot as Heat

It's hot as heat here and we didn't expect it to come so early.
The mosquitoes are eatin our arms like hell and even the restaurants are sweaty like Lousiana.
People are everywhere, running around like animals, crazy as prostitutes, bewitched, bothered and bewildered. That's what happens when things heat up so quick.
What was ice melts so fast and then you never espect the thick glaze of the sun to soak into every speck of dirt and crack the land that way. That's the stuff earthquakes is even made of. Shifting, sudden shifting, suddenly in the night, cotton shifts take the place of thick blankets that so soon ago held out the frost.
The motel parking lots blaze like pools of hellfire and brimstone. At two in the morning cars speed like rockets, confused to the lanes, screaming electric thumps from ipods. The age creeps onto the faces of the older ladies at lunchtime, they can't hide their histories or their fret. (Oh how I never want to be that thing) Clothes shrink like withered plants, leaving limbs all bare, some pretty and lusty, some hideous as dying cheese. Curses spit from the lips of the traitors like little razors, white-hot.
The donuts melt, the cars shriek, the sidewalk could cook an egg. The hair sweeps out of eyes like piles of honey and curly. The good priss-tians ice their homes endlessly, mindlessly with so much carefree carbon dioxide that by September they may easily take out one or two ancient arctic glaciers.
The slugs dry up, the flowers flop, the sawdust sticks to skin, the teenagers scramble, the ice cream cones play magic tricks.
Girls shuffle their feet together at rooftops, staring out at the forever moon, a white bucket so heavy it could fall at any moment. They drink from flasks and share the tales of lips and liquor. The boys hang at old stomping grounds, stare like cats and dogs, boys pretend they don't care, panting at passerby hips.
The moon sings robust and dark, sweet and wicked, cool and soft.
The sun shrieks like a raven demon, content to fire us all to see his holy self take over and have everything be as he is.
I dream like a lost little girl of nailpolish and diaries, coffeeshops and poetry, but mostly, I dream about when I see eyes like magic.

This Property/ Condemned Song

Shack down by the riverside all tied up with lace
harmonica she gave to him he plays 3 in the morning
He plays 3 in the morning,
3 in the morning cigarettes glow
off of the back porch where the wanderers come in,
Whistlin' high and their whiskey's low.

Pockets full of stones and shoes broke open
They come in for food, from the railroad.
Brown sun speckles and dust on their faces
Back to that ramblin' trainside southern home.
They play 3 in the morning,
3 in the morning in the full moon shine.
Throw ropes to the water where their clothes are floating,
3 in the morning is as good as anytime.

And their babies are wild as flowers grow,
Eatin dandelions and watching clouds blow.
Those strong ladies are turning to maidens
Brown shoulders are freckled and fading.

With or Without Heart

The dreams bring me earthquakes and floods
So my heart is the same but with life there's more ruin
How can I divert a river that runs its own course
How can I dig to places where I can't detect a pulse?

The pattern of this soul is written clear
I've always been a historian with an obsession for family
The ones that share blood and then the ones without
The ones that share the pattern that coils and spouts.

And the mystical ways is the music I hear coming through
in waves
Breaking in between the cracks when the dream fades to white.
And I will never deny that you're the brilliancy on high
But I want closer to the pure and without love I forget.

You have a crystalline smile, I'll let it shatter for a while
I'm too old to care whether I crumble from a trial
Your heart is spinning on repeat your eyes are children for your feet
I'll take the honesty and sleep into the dream.
You are all that you'll ever need
You'll find the thorn is gone now, you can breathe.
There is no grasping at grasping to seek
You will arrive....
and with or without heart the path makes up its mind.