A Rebuttal. Sincerely, the Truer, Deeper version of Yourself.

Time to unleash the good stuff. Like even though my last post scared the bejeezus out of anyone even considering ever childbearing/rearing ....    here are some reasons you may not want to miss out on the opportunity. Or at least, here are some things that I am now utterly grateful to motherhood and Utah for. (If you have an inkling to say hi, I love getting comments below, even if you don't read this whole dang thing!)

While I was in those first few identity-crisis-inducing postpartum months of being a new mother, I didn't necessarily try (AT ALL) to hide my feelings of sadness and/ or desperation of being lost & feeling alone. But I have to reiterate: I NO LONGER FEEL THAT WAY. I had honest to God PTSD. I had indescribable anxiety, and I have never had that before.  I felt trapped in my own nightmare, and it was all in my mind but I could not find how I got in there so I could get out. I had absolutely NO control over the nightmare. I did not know what was happening to my life or mentality or emotional self. It was though I was sometimes outside of myself looking in, thinking- "how on earth can this be happening to ME? Good old-fashioned me, almost an optimist to a fault me?!" It was like my mind was being pulled into a dark spiral whirlwind that was sucking me away from myself. But that was then. Now (the last three months) I like to say----- "I'm HEALED!" And yes, I love being a marm!

Anyways, during that first chunk of hard time I had more than one friend tell me the exact same thing... "Adie don't worry!! You have NOT lost yourself, instead you are only in the beginning of uncovering the new layers of yourself in which you will find your truest, deepest self unveiled." Ok. So maybe it wasn't in EXACTLY those words... but a few people said things very similar unto. And their words seemed far too good to be true. With the combination of anxiety and PTSD and the plain learning curve of transitioning to being the mother of a BABY, I felt that I had lost my true self and I was being painted over by a new, all-American, soccer-mom dullness whether I liked it or not. I couldn't imagine that out of being a mom I would somehow be me, all that I ever was, and MORE??. But now I CAN imagine it. It is now that I am beginnnnnning to understand what they meant! Though my life is quite different than it was two years ago and for a while I mourned that great change, my life is indeed already fuller and true-er and realer than it has ever been yet.

And here's why.

Uno.
My LTR with alcohol went kaput. We broke up. That was a long-ass relationship. I'm no longer somewhat drunk once or twice a week. There. I said it.

Here's why it matters.

ALL THAT TIME AND MONEY. I spent so much precious time drinking and, even worse, afterwards I often couldn't even remember the AMAZING fun I had the night before. I remember being totally annoyed by that. I'd remember fragments of the fun... but it really started bugging me how alcohol made things SO much fun but then stole your memories out from under your feet. Um hi. CATCH 22???

When I wasn't in school you could find me at a party, a bar, or other drinking establishments MOST OF THE TIME. Talk about not being productive!! I guess alcohol was my baby then.

Not that the occasional slam-drunk whirlwind of fun isn't totally awesome. I condone it. And not that I regret ANY of it, because I truly do not. I just would probably never have stopped had it not been for my Utah, and therefore I wouldn't have a discovered what lay behind my own tipsy door.

Here's my current advantage.

Without drinking all the time, I am not only raising a human being child but I somehow am quite recently more motivated and productive for certain things that I have "always wanted to do" but never actually did before. I have to find new ways to have fun these days, and they require stepping outside of my old box. They have to be child-friendly things. I go on walks almost every day,  I just fit it in before sunset, with binoculars and with Utah and we spy on nature itself. I have learned the names of scores of new birds. I get up early to spy on them as well, and I tromp around our house scattering black oil sunflower seeds to lure them. I have hung about eight bird feeders in trees. I finally bought that stepping stool I have needed for years. I am up early planting seeds and flowers so that I can smile deeply inside whence the spring visits next year. We go on drives to see natural things rather than going gambling at the Peppermill, although I do hope there will be a time for the gamblin' spirit of things again one day. But I am just seeing SO much more.

Finches, new bird feeder, and Halloween gravestones in the distance

Along the path from Truckee to Tahoe

I am in touch with the day and the sunshine and the outside in a new way. There is no hangover to contend with.


Dos.

Nature. Yes the prior reality leads to this reality. I am more in love with and in touch with nature than I literally have ever been. This is the true me. Before this I talked of it and I read and dreamed of it, but I did not actively partake of nature everyday. Now, thanks to no hangovers and less social life mobility, I now seek out and wander in nature every single day.

Years ago when visiting the red canyon Utah desert with my sweet friend Mandy, an old post you can read about here, I came home from the camping and the outdoors with a spirit of motivation. I wanted to start getting up early and seeing the morning. For me, that means before 9:00 am. Rising at 8-8:30 is early for me, that's what I get after years of late night restaurant work and staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning. But even after returning from the desert with a vengeance, I couldn't DO IT! I could NOT force myself to get up early.

Having a baby, however, finally did do it for me. After four months of trying to still get up at 11 am, I finally caved to the 8 am rising time. I knew I had it in me to see and believe and wonder with the morning time. And now it is my favorite time of day.

Fox - on one of my runs

View from our backyard

Tres.

I actually have more time with my REAL SELF. Since most old forms of my dignity have gone out the window... I now no longer care what anyone thinks of me (for the most part). In fact, instead of obsessing about my hair turning out just right or having the right perfume on I now just tromp out of the house sort of haphazardly and put on lipstick in the car. It's a feat to just GET OUT of the house these days! It's like a victory just driving away, with a baby buckled in safely to his carseat and a diaper bag filled with all the right goods AND my purse & keys. It's an accomplishment. And instead of worrying that I look right or feeling squishy about going to a party alone, I just DO IT. And with a baby on my hip, I don't even have brain room to worry about approaching people. I used to get so nervous going to a party alone, before Art was off work or something. With a baby on my hip I am not only NO LONGER ALONE, but I don't even have the energy to worry about who I will talk to first as I approach people. And I frankly don't care. My friends are my friends and intimidating people are no longer very intimidating. It's like having a baby clues you in to the REALNESS of things. Like, oh hey you're kinda famous? Big whoop, I just had a baby come out of my body and I got ripped a new one in real life. There's a new human being hanging around my house. Fame? What the shit is that?

Not caring what others think of me gives me that much more time to just get out there and GO. I don't waste time trying on outfits or taking "selfies" (gawl i hate that term) or rearranging my facebook profile. I just go DO THINGS now. It's refreshing and soul-filling. And since without all the constant socializing that I used to do (taking a baby to a bar just doesn't really work, sadly) I really need soul-filling activities, and I am more motivated to go get them in whatever form they exist.

So many old forms of dignity have gone out the window that I also no longer care what scores of people passing on the road think of me. I finally have the guts to scoop up a roadkill alone, on the side of the freeway and place the lifeless body in a box in the trunk of my car. I could care less how crazy I appear, especially while doing this in a frilly frock of some sort. (Since I now know I am pretty officially crazy anyhoo)... For years I have wanted to gather roadkills and bury them or save them so that I can do something sweet with the bones or fur. I am FINALLY actually doing this.

My first alone road kill scoop-up, this sweet squirrel whose body I encountered while running

I also used to get squeamish about cheesy activities like fairy festivals or renaissance music thingies or any activity that was too "cheesy" and not "cool" enough. But it wasn't TRULY me. It was the scared-of-what-others-will-think-of-it me. Now that I have my Utah I can not WAIT to get his face painted at the Celtic festival. To dance like a ding-a-ling with him to flutes at a hippie storytelling event. And, dare I say, to take him to All-American fare like Home Depot building classes for kids or Sea World or water parks or weird library celebrations.

Art and Ute exploring a stream

It's like Enigma says. A Return To Innocence.  FO SHO.

FOUR.

Utah.

Wow. What do I say here? How discovering a new personality in the world in my small baby boy is one of the most unbelievably awesome, funny, joyous and amazing experiences I've ever known? How watching his body as he rocks out to fiddles and banjos per his own taste in music is seriously and severely cute? Cute to the bone of me. Totally, yes, worth the angry newborn phase.

Utah waving, sitting on a brick planter in Truckee

How walking into his room in the morning when he wakes up (around 10:30 am praise the Lord!) is absolutely the most sweetest moment of the day. He likes to jump up and down smiling while holding on to the crib while I approach him slowly saying "Oh. My. Shike. Did somebody leave a baby at MY house??? A baby? The cutest baby in the whole wide world lives at MY house???" All the while I'm smiling, he's smiling (he knows my words are funny) and we the morning reunion is full of joy (on the good mornings that is ;)).

How singing to him the same three songs every bath time fills him and me with glee, it's like re-living little parts of Mormon Girls Camp all over again. How he loves pretty girls and will pick them out of a crowd and wave to them across a room. How he makes a close-to-puking gagging noise every time his chosen boring part of Yo Gabba Gabba comes on (yes we occasionally indulge him in an iPad downloaded kid show). How watching him devour broccoli, kale, squash, and every other vegetable also fills me with glee? How his love of nature and outdoors to the point that he will cry upon re-entering the house makes my heart soar with gladness?

He is my nature boy and he is my heart's delight. I do understand what they meant when they told me that having a baby can feel like falling in love all over again. It's just a different kind of love, but man, it's the same kind of joy.

Ok.

That's enough reason as to why I am so grateful to the universe and my epiphany-revolving old self for wanting to have a child. Awful as some parts of new motherhood have been for me, I am restored and renewed more than I ever thought possible. I am all I was (all is not lost!) & more. I am beginning to unveil the truer and deeper version of myself.

Here's a little bit more proof.

Spotted Towhee under one of the feeders

White-breasted nuthatch

Pumpkin patch wagon ride

Beautiful Lake Tahoe in the autumn evening sunlight

Owl, lurking in the trees

Bonnibel and Utah at the pumpkin patch

My Halloween mantel

Truckee seriousness

Raccoon? tracks on Grandma Marion's driveway

the realer, true-er

Should you or shouldn't you (have kids)? Advice from an on-the-fencer who took the plunge.

Hi there. I know it. You've all heard enough from me. If you are one of my Facebook friends you know that I am a super WHINY complainy sometimes-joyous new parent. In fact, even though I promised myself I would never become one of "them",  even most of my photos now are of my sweet Utah. ( One of the reasons new mamas stop posting photos of themselves is because they never look photo-worthy anymore. At least I don't)... But yes, my sweet son, pictured below, ALWAYS does. Sorry about that. If you are not my FB friend then perhaps you've read my last few posts about my horrendous postpartum anxiety and PTSD and if not, go ahead, read them, and know that you will never have THAT bad. Sadly I am (WAS) a worse case scenario in real life. ANYHOW.

I honestly didn't know if I ever would had kids. One thing is for sure, I definitely KNEW I DID NOT NEED to in order to live a "full life" as so many of our grandparents and parents like to tell us. I knew and I STILL KNOW that that is hogwash. There are a million people and communities in our world who could use the extra love, free time, optimism, happiness and intelligence of child-free people. There are countless ways to volunteer, to create art, to write stories and communicate, and to work your butt off that rival the efforts of having kids and the rewards that doing so brings. I think of my hero, Terry Tempest Williams. I can't get over that people will tell you that you will be "missing out" on the greatest thing in life because IT SIMPLY IS NOT TRUE. This world is great in so many ways, and having children is just one of them.

I ended up taking the plunge because I am an experience-junkie. I didn't want to not know what it was all about. I guess that means that I traded off the experience of not knowing, which, indeed, is an experience of its own. And now I will never be a childfree 55 year old. I suppose I thought I sort of could guess what that would be like since I had been childfree so many years (38), but I could not imagine what being a mom would be like and I was plain curious like a cat. And I also thought I would be pretty good at it (so far ... NOT). I wanted to one day watch my future 30 year old son drive up to his parent's house on the night before Thanksgiving and to walk out into the cold and greet him and give him a giant hug and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wanted at least some kind of mother-child relationship in my future. I wanted to know what that is.

And now I want to do something good for the world. I want to help those who are on the fence like I once was know a few REAL TRUTHS about having a baby. For some reason I was one of those people who everyone told me how "wonderful" and surprisingly "easy" it was. I'm not making that up. Multiple couples told me that if they'd "KNOWN HOW EASY IT WAS THEY WOULD HAVE STARTED WAY EARLIER"????????? Um excuse me WHAT???? Now that I can see clearly and am a mama myself I cannot believe these people told me these things! My sister actually doesn't even believe that anyone ever told me this but I SWEAR IT HAPPENED. When I finally made my decision to try as hard as I could to get pregnant, their unbelievably cheery words echoed in my mind! "It's easier than before we had kids!" ... "people are huge whimps, it's really so awesome!" I also heard "you've lived for yourself long enough, get on with it." And other odd and rude pressure-y statements considering my OLD AGE and all (mad face). Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that I now have my amazing son, but truth be told, if I'd known the REAL truth, he probably wouldn't be here. So maybe it was God/ the Universe/ Great mama spirit/ mother nature's way of tricking me, I'm not sure. But yeah, basically, I got punk'd.  In the end I am sure I will be even beyond grateful for the strange and synchronistic coercing of the Universe, but MAN were those people either extremely lucky or LYING OUT THEIR ASSES.

Since having a baby I now realize about ten thousand things that there was no way I could have understood before. Some of them are great and some of them are not great at all. There is just NO possible WAY to know until you have done it. I can't tell you how many times I read awful things and thought "that won't be me" and how wrong I turned out to be. How much it is EXACTLY ME now. It must be biology's way of getting a pregnant person to cope with the circumstances, by offering hope and justice through thoughts of "that won't be me". And in the end (post having a child)... sadly IT IS YOU and more. I mean I am sure there are a few rare gems who become new moms who can look just as glamorous and be just as happy if not happier and continue some amazing career and still play in their band and start working out 4 weeks postpartum, but I could not make it happen. I am not a gloss-over-my-life always-look-pretty kind of gal. I can't help it. I am bluntly and abundantly honest. I am honest to a point of fault. I can not tell a lie. Let me tell you this, you can trust me when I tell you the things you should or shouldn't know about yourself and your possible future(s) whilst deciding on whether to ever have kids.

Here are some KEY things to consider.

1. How do you function on little sleep? DAYS IN A ROW.

Some people are decent with this. I am not one of them. My brother, who has three kids, is one of them. My husband even, is good at functioning on little sleep (albeit he is 7 years my younger which makes a big difference on the amount of sleep you can work with). Are you 25 or 35? Cause age matters about this. And let me tell you, there is a GIANT CHANCE that you will be more exhausted and living on less sleep than you ever thought possible.

I knew this, going in. And I have been obsessed with getting 7-8 hours of sleep for years now, as when I get less my days are awful, my mood is awful, and I can not enjoy anything about life. Somehow I thought the stars and the universe would smile upon me and grant me a wonderful sleep-thru-the-night from day one baby. Yeah freaking right. Oh, but I do have friends who it has happened to, HOWEVER, DO NOT COUNT ON IT. I barely made it through newbornhood and all. I just barely, by the fur of my fingernails, made it through. Like... picture me 15 feet from the entrance of a state mental health facility in real life. Of course my own hormonal and PTSD induced insomnia made matters 30 times worse but...

Prepare for 4-9 hours of sleep over 72 hour periods. For WEEKS. Possibly YEARS. I have lucked out (since he was 6 months old) and now six nights out of seven my guy sleeps eleven hours in a row from 11pm to 10am. We are lucky lucky ducks. Yes, we wanted a late riser so we made that happen.

If, due to lack of sleep, you cannot function to the point of insanity, extreme irrationality, scary and sometimes suicidal mood swings, rage, hallucinations... YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS.

If not sleeping just puts you in a bad mood.... GO AHEAD AND HAVE KIDS.

2. Are you ever bored?

Are you one of those people with a million things to do every day besides work? The kind of person who even when you are jobless you can't seem to find enough time? Someone who likes to read as many books as you can, make art or music and create things, learn about all sorts of subject matter, go out with friends, travel... etc?

Um...... Having a child is unadvisable for these types. Extremely un. TAKE CAUTION. I am one of these peoples. I have, in the past, wished I could live FIVE lives sometimes there are so many things I want to do in my ONE life. I wish there were 37 hours in each day! I used to resent school, work, anything that took my free time away from me. Before having a baby I couldn't IMAGINE why a baby would really take all that much time. I just kept thinking, even while pregnant, "it's just a BABY. It can't use up ALL OF YOUR TIME. What are people complaining about so much?!!! Can't they just set it in a swing or a playpen and get on with their day!?"
All I can think of to say to my old, COMPLETELY IGNORANT SELF, sorry hun-bun, you just could not have known the amount of dependency and pure neediness of a baby. You were such an idealist/ idiot. And yet now I can barely remember how I could have been so ignorant. Didn't I think clearly? It's a helpless baby! Of course it needs your every second! Of course you will not have time to yourself for a few years! (I've been broken). And honestly you do get a couple hours here and there once he or she is like four months old.

If, by chance, you DO get bored often or even on occasion... Go ahead, have a kid. You will never be bored again.

3. How do you function under crazy amounts of stress? Do you buck up or do you back out?

Me, myself, I'm a back-outer. Yep. Like I would QUIT a job or just walk away from things that required too much of me. Sometimes a job would start out perfect but after a year the place would increase my responsibilities times twenty but not offer any more pay. Yeah right. So I would quit. Because responsibility was never my middle name anyways. And I would get right back to my happy old self by saying "Dismiss whatever insults your soul", my favorite quote by Walt Whitman. This quote got me out of bad jobs, yucky relationships, a few bills, and even friendships-gone-bad. I could always get my old happy back quite easily by just backing out and pretending it had never existed. I know... "GROW UP" some people must be thinking of me. But that was my WHOLE PLAN. TO NEVER HAVE TO GROW UP.

And besides...News flash Walt Whitman. A BABY SCREAM-CRYING for anywhere from 10 minutes to 4 hours ABSOLUTELY INSULTS A MOTHER'S SOUL. And yet, dismissing your baby is NOT an option. So there went my life motto.

So. In other words, if you aren't a back-outer and can rise to the stressful occasions, handling them with a smile and a sense of humor then YES YOU SHOULD HAVE KIDS.

If you run from anxiety and stress towards the beautiful sunset with your arms raised up in freedom from the relief of escaping the horror and responsibility that wanted to consume you... YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS.

4. Do you enjoy driving and riding around in a car?

Do you like to just chill in your car with the stereo on? Driving around FOR HOURS AT A TIME  or parking in shady places and just surfing the net on your smartphone while nothing productive happens (besides a baby's nap)? Then yes YOU SHOULD HAVE KIDS.

Would sitting in a car OUTSIDE of Target/ Trader Joe's/ Lowe's when you'd rather be shopping INSIDE drive you bananas to where you would consider offering a stranger money to carsit? I RECOMMEND deeply considering your choice to have kids.

5.  Do you love babies?

Have you always loved babies? Did you love playing with baby dolls? Do you love kids? YES YOU SHOULD HAVE KIDS.

Did baby dolls bug you? Do you always wonder what people mean when they say newborns are cute? I am (was) one of these types. I put my baby doll in the oven and turned it on when I was 4 or 5. Baby Laura, I remember her name. I just thought it would be fun. I didn't mean to be cruel and wasn't trying to be evil, I just knew it was a doll and wanted to see what would happen (I don't think I fully understood ovens yet)....
If you have never been a fan of babies or playing house then you should still weigh ALL OF THE previous qualities in yourself heavily before deciding to have children.  Although I am now bafflingly obsessed with babies I did not used to give a hoot. I feel like part of the reason I turned into a baby stalker is that I am in utter AWE of their power. Like tiny kings with no rhyme or reason riding around in gilded carseat chariots. Perhaps it's more of a fascination with these tiny kings/queens. They can take down Beyonce and Jay-Z for goodness sake. They can obliterate a lifetime of hard work with a few months of crying. There is a reason some people are maternal and others aren't.

6. Do people with kids bug you?

That's right. They used to bug me. A lot. Their OBSESSION with their kids. I wondered how a kid could grow up healthily with a parent so LOST in their obsession with their own kid? I felt like people were losing themselves as well as all boundaries for their kids.

And now I'm one of them.

If (most) people with kids drive you nuts, Facebook statuses included, consider not having any in order to save face and dignity (a highly likely chance that you will TURN INTO THE PERSON you don't like).
If you are cheerfully adoring of all your friend's with kids' photos and comments and conversation then childbear away!

7. Lastly. How much do you enjoy food? Good, leisurely, beautiful food?

If you are one of the types who doesn't mind throwing a Hot-Pocket in the microwave, then kids might be easier for you. And even if you are more on the organic side but a cold meal of yesterday's lentils with a stale edge of homemade bread and a handful of cherry tomatoes could be a daily staple then you might handle this kid thing in stride too.

Sadly I (and my husband especially) loved to make long, extravagant yummy dinners with like ten kinds of veggies chopped up and sides of cooked grains and some kind of sauteed tofu or baked fish. He would make homemade salsas, sauces, and line up the condiments (sriracha, cajun spice, butter, etc) and we would plate up and sit down for an awesome new flick. Those days are gone. For now at least.

If you highly value your relaxing evening meal with a glass of wine (ahhhh my Downton Abbey days ahhhh), you may want to carefully consider your strengths and weaknesses when deciding to have kids.



Now. For the classic and Abbey-esque paradox/ hypocrisy. All things considered. I am in love with my child. What began as beyond-difficult-turned-identity-crisis and suddenly became beautiful. I am in love with life again. And even if you are like me, a person who, if I had met my old self I would have highly discouraged EVER having a baby, chances are it could become a joy and a renewal and a true love of yours, this parenting thing. I mean c'mon, I failed EVERY SINGLE ONE of my own 7 questions! But remember this for those of you who do fail those questions. It's not just hard work that ends up being worth it. It is sometimes horribly, disfiguringly difficult and hard work. Hard like sad hard. Hard like the kind of hard if someone you loved died. Hard like the worst day at work ever times ten. Hard like not fun in the slightest. Hard like you might go crazy. Hard like a boulder you will never be able to move.

But... that being said... I do have a feeling that anything that pushes you to go through something so difficult will be worth it in ways that I am not yet able to understand or express. And that hard work NEVER leads to nothing, provided you are an intelligent enough parent to truly work in a conscious way to be the best you can be as a parent and to simultaneously be the best you can be to yourself. To actually NOT leave yourself out of the equation.

And if, indeed, you never want kids and know this to be a truth inside of you, then more power to you. Luckily more and more people are coming to terms with this!  (Not that you need MY dumb reassurance...) I say embrace your forties, fifties, sixties and beyond being a childfree AMAZING woman/ or man and know that the world NEEDS people like you desperately. And so do other people's children. You are the fun ones, the carefree wise ones, the artists, the dreamers who never quit, the ambitious, the adventurers. You will be taken care of. You will be just as loved, those who say you won't don't have the creativity or imagination to know how good friends and nieces and nephew can actually be. In fact, you are a treasure to the world, we need you.